How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
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archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Duolingo getting serious.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.