Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
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mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
🤣🤣
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower