{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
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They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
describing stardew valley
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”