*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
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So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
We’ve come full circle
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha