6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
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wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I’m an avid indoorsman.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Scream sneezers need love too.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
The days of good grammer has went
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?