If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
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cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Cow it started Cow it’s going
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My time has come.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder