Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
time machine? you mean a clock?
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.