President The Rock Obama
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Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?