this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
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As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation