It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
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*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound