My apartment is a mess, I should move
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CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?