Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
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I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Some of y’all tomorrow …
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you