THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
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son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
definitely did not do anything wrong
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
How funny!
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.