Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
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I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?