[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
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Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
bugs when you lift up a rock
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*