Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
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” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Dead sexy!!
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did