The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
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Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.