Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
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then why did i get this email
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.