Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
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You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?