Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
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I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
no refunds
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.