*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
You Might Also Like
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.