Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
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They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Called it
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.