I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
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[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Wait a minute…
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.