Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
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I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
My teenage children choosing violence
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT