My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
You Might Also Like
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it