2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
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This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away