“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
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Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets