Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
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My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
How do dragons blow out candles?
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.