I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
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911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
This meal prepping shit is easy
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.