Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
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Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
🙂🐾
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.