During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
You Might Also Like
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
as is their right
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.