WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
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My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.