My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
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Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
So creative 😂
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
#StillHurts
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.