[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
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*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Passwords are more important than ever.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish