I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
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Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Mistakes were made
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
You’ll be OK
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Ugh but profoundly
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that