I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
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I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.