When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
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I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.