A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
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My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.