I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
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HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*