What an awful time to have common sense.
You Might Also Like
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Rt to bother an English speaker
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain