My favorite animal is fried chicken.
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[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
sensitive skin
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean