Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
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When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
When he asks for feet pics
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.