“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
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Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
im 7 sauces long
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I’ve had relationships like this
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!