I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
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“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
lmao
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Meanwhile in Portland…
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.