Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
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nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
(by @ZachWeiner )
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.