The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
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When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Gods work.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
My purse is deeper than some people.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car