my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
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*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What