Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
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FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
When you kidnap a writer.