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I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner