I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
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I WON A HAM TODAY
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist